Recently I posted an article titled Depression, or whatever you want to call it. Considering the feed back I personally received and the feedback some of my family received about me/it after the post, it appears I concerned and completely surprised some people. Apparently, many did not expect depression in someone “like me,” which reveals there are likely far more people with depression around all of us, we may just not know. Many or almost all who reached out to me after reading the post discussed or explained their experience with depression, melancholy or extreme anxiety. Again, clearly revealing many of us move through this in silence.
I may have ruffled some feathers by posting about a topic that can make people uncomfortable. However, I think if we aren’t sometimes ruffling feathers, we probably aren’t fully speaking our truth. (I really dislike the cliche phrase “speaking your truth.” Also, I now want to understand the origin of “to ruffle feathers.”)
I want to note this “depression” is not an every second of every day experience for me (though it may be for others). Maybe some days it is all-encompassing. I weave in and out of it, and it weaves in and out of me. Sometimes it lingers longer, which is what has occurred lately and why I chose to finally write about it after years of mostly keeping it in the dark.
Overall, I have received an extraordinarily positive response, as a great many people have been supportive and helpful. Most of all, this has made me fully comprehend I am not alone in this. And I knew that, and I think to some degree we all know that many people grapple with depression, but we just have to be reminded. I believe that keeping experiences and feelings like this constantly in the dark is completely detrimental to one’s well-being and the well-being of society. I’m not suggesting we discuss this all the time or dwell on it, but I believe acknowledging it is the first step in beginning to overcome and move through this state of being.
Even though some of us know we’re not alone in this feeling/headspace, it doesn’t mean we should just accept it and “deal” with it. We still need to find ways to actively combat this. I honestly don’t quite know what all those ways are. I’m still figuring it out, and I think we will be for a while. However, I think there are always ways to make steps toward reaching a more healthy and sustainable state of mind. I believe those include: reaching out to others, being open and vulnerable, building community with others, exercising on a very regular basis (literally the biochemical effect on the brain is awesome), eating (actually) healthy food, sleeping enough, among a myriad of other things.
All these are well and good, but I know they are easier said than done.
Some people seem to think this is something in which you just magically “feel better.” Some think perhaps I just need to go on a run and I’ll be cured. It’s more than that. Running does help, eating well does help, but it’s a process.
I’m personally trying to figure out how to build more community in my life, even though I already interact with a multitude of people each day through work, etc. I know everyone discusses how terribly they sleep, and I’m sure they do, but… I truly, truly sleep horrifically, and I believe this has an enormous impact on my mental state, but I haven’t been able to correct this no matter what I do.
When in a depressive state, it’s difficult to get yourself out the door or even out of bed for a workout. I think we just have to focus on the micro-steps. And move from there. “Okay, 1. sit up in bed…. 2. put legs over side of bed… 3. stand up… 4. walk to bathroom… 5. walk to coffee pot (or tea pot, if that’s your thing)… 6. sing “All I Do Is win" by DJ Khaled, etc. (Fun Fact: Strangely, this song pops into my head almost every morning for no apparent reason. I don’t think I’ve heard the song in years, other than within my brain. I guess all I want to do is win, win, win no matter what.)
On the ‘being open and vulnerable’ part, I feel I should note I’m not suggesting you profess your depression publicly online or to just anyone you encounter (I know, I know. I’m a hypocrite). I think the best way to feel heard and understood is to reach out to people you know and who have earned your trust. Perhaps you’re meant to speak to a therapist, though. In truth, every human is quite insane on some level, so we probably all could gain insight from an outside, objective party (i.e. therapist/psychiatrist). Friends and loved ones don’t always have the capacity and breadth to help, and that’s a-okay.
I’ve been thinking about my possible “over-sharing.” I’ve wondered if I shouldn’t have shared as much about my depression to “the public”—to my friends, my family, acquaintances, coworkers, maybe even my employer. Everyone can see what I’ve written. And I’ve been instructed by some to take it down, at least eventually.
I read some words by author/artist Mari Andrew, explaining that you shouldn’t publicly share anything unless you’ve healed from it. I read this before I posted the article on my depression, and because I highly respect and admire Mari Andrew (and i suggest you check out her stuff), I began to highly question whether I should post what I wrote. But I did it anyway, of course.
I think it’s clear I haven’t fully moved past this depression, and I don’t think I ever will entirely. Perhaps, someday, though. Either way I will be fine. I’ve lived a fulfilling, meaningful and satisfying life thus far not despite it, but, I think in-part, because of it. I honestly wouldn’t want to take away the deep feelings and sometimes excruciating longing for something, for understanding, for figuring “it” out that accompanies depression. (Let me just note I’m not totally comfortable with the word depression. I just haven’t coined my own term for it yet). I’m certainly not suggesting everyone should have depression. That sounds absurd. But I think it’s how my mind works through things. It’s like a sloughing off of skin. Sometimes I have to go through this to get through to a newer or better me. (I feel like I’m talking about this all rather romantically, likely because I’m not so much in the muck of depression right now. But I think it helps to appreciate it for what it is or can be.)
Maybe I have over-shared, maybe I have been too vulnerable with too many people. As I do believe that is certainly something we do sometimes (especially those pesky, gosh-darn millennials, eh?!). We can over-share to the wrong people. We have to choose the right people to share the deepest pieces of ourself. I guess I felt like I had to share this piece of me with a large community because I wanted to let people know, to help them understand and realize there are a great many of us going through something, moving through depression, stuck in a heavy state, anxiety, stress, melancholy, etc.
Many people have had the courage and vulnerability to let others know (in a public way) what they have or are experiencing. It’s those trailblazers that made me feel like I could and should tell people. Certain people haven’t been reached by others who have spoken about depression, anxiety and other such difficult mental states. But maybe I can reach someone that has never been reached before and feels alone and uncertain and unable to crawl out of whatever cave they are in.
Perhaps I haven’t healed from depression, per se, but I have healed from the need to hide it, shove it away, where it would only fester and grow. I heard the words “shame can’t survive the light” from Brene Brown (and I know others have said this as well). Once things are brought into the light and acknowledged, a sigh of relief releases. This is what I’ve done, and I’ve since had many people tell me of their experience. Maybe that is a sigh of relief for them, like there was a “head nod” of recognition, as in “I get you” and “I’ve been there,” which is really what we all want to hear when we’re experiencing a difficult time. It makes us feel less alone and more apart of a community. It feels good and comforting to be understood.
I actually think many or most people experience depression or something very similar to it at some point in their life, even though they may not know what it is or what to label it as. And maybe it doesn’t have one specific label.
As I sit here spitting out words about depression, my goal is not to constantly discuss the actual matter of having depression. I don’t think that’s beneficial. And I quite honestly don’t want to acquire the nickname “that depression girl.” Not the best. I think speaking on it certainly has it’s place, and it’s a necessary step. But we have to be proactive in other ways in our life in order to move through this.
I don’t want to act like I know how to do this at all. I’m struggling. I have good days, I have exemplary moments, but I’m still trying to figure this out. I still have days where my brain feels like a wrist watch geared backwards that’s trying to be a toaster. And the watch doesn’t have batteries and the toaster isn’t plugged in.
Exactly.
I believe I’ve made some people feel uncomfortable, as I said. But I don’t want people to be “weird” around me or anyone else they know who experiences darker states of mind (gah, I hate all these cliche-sounding phrases). I wanted to reveal that many of us struggle, and it became all the more true for me when a multitude of people reached out to tell me about their similar experience after reading the post.
Ultimately, this isn’t really about “depression” for me—my writing, that is. I say this possibly too often, but almost everything I write about, anything I discuss—it’s about fully realizing we all have the same innate needs and we’re all human beings. It sounds obvious, but I think we sometimes forget. It’s about providing space for what might feel different or uncomfortable. We must build connections, bridges and understanding. We need to realize and acknowledge what we need, what’s happening to us, being aware, being honest with ourselves, connecting with others, realizing we need others and need belonging.
I think, or I have to believe, there are ways we can take control of our life in some way, even though we can’t control how others act. But we can control how we react. There are ideas, goals, daily habits and other ways of living that we can work toward and apply daily.
Everything can feel out of control, as the world sometimes seems like a ginormous mishmash mess of confusion, and maybe it is at times. But there is a massive amount of good out there, and I think we have to hold on to it, search for it, grab it and build more of it.
Also, there’s plenty of fun music to sing and dance to. So, just go dance. I was kicked off a wedding dance floor once. I challenge you to, as well.
My tunes for the day:
Joy to the World by Three Dog Night
Hold On, I’m Coming by Sam and Dave
If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out by Cat Stevens
Oh and of course, All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled
Mary-Margaret Weatherford
mmweatherford5952@gmail.com
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