My body feels like it’s attacking itself. Maybe it is in some way.
This platform was meant for another project I’ll be working on eventually, but today this is what my mind has to offer. I’m trying to work through whatever is going on, and I want others to know that it’s alright and necessary to speak about such things. This has been all I can think about for months, it’s consuming my mind and literally appears to be consuming my body.
I often don’t write about these subjects, as I feel like everybody and their Aunt Susan is posting, tweeting, instagramming, blogging about their struggles, and I don’t want to be another one pouring her woes into the pity pot. Although, I don’t believe all those people are seeking pity. I think some or many are letting others know it’s okay to be flawed and feel broken. Well, I don’t like the word flawed. Rather, it’s okay to admit you’re a human being dealing with human things.
I want people to know that I think it’s possible to at least on some level take control of what is happening to you, or at minimum control how you react, both emotionally and physically depending on the choices you make (concerning nutrition, lifestyle, habits etc).
It often times seems that people write about these types of struggles after they’ve overcome them. Everyone loves a good before and after story or photo. But that’s not what this is. I’m still struggling, I’m still researching, I’m still uncomfortable, embarrassed, in pain and frustrated. I’m still figuring it out.
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I’m not dying. At least I don’t think so. I mean, other than that we’re all slowly getting closer to our death each day (a gentle reminder for you). I don’t want to belittle things however.
And I don’t want others to belittle what’s going on with their mind and body either. I don’t want people to hide it. That is one way to have an early retirement from earth. I’m not condoning complaining or wallowing in self-pity, but I am suggesting we be more open, ask questions, get help and above all help ourselves. Be proactive. Do your own research. This is happening to you, you are the one that ultimately cares the most about healing whatever is broken.
Alright, now it’s time for me to feel uncomfortable and explain the things that are seemingly going haywire with my body.
A great many pieces of my body seem to be inflamed. One major issue is my skin. I used to call it eczema, but now I don’t know what to refer to it as. It’s morphed into some uncontrollable, ever-growing monster. Everywhere. Attractive-sounding, eh? It’s troops have slowly been infiltrating. I don’t know what to eat anymore that won’t cause me to break out in more eczema, become uncontrollably itchy, skin bleeding, lesions, dry, cracked, split skin. I don’t like showering as water makes it far worse, especially hot water. I used to love working out and getting sweaty, but the heat and the sweat exponentially exacerbate my skin. I becomes uncontrollably itchy, hives often form everywhere. Washing my hands makes the eczema/sores/scratches on my hands and wrist persist and spread. My skin keeps becoming infected. Infections everywhere. It’s all over my legs, arms, neck and ALL over my back. I don’t know what shampoo to use, what to wash my face with, which deodorant. Should I even use lotion? Coconut oil? I’ve spent so much money and tried SO MANY remedies. Doctors throw steroid pills, shots and creams at me. For one, it doesn’t help any more, but it only makes it worse on the next time around and it doesn’t treat the underlying cause. It wreaks havoc on my immune system, my microbiome. (More on that later…)
I often can’t control my scratching, especially at night or after a sweaty work-out, so I cause myself to bleed almost daily. It feels inescapable at times. I want to rip off my skin. Sometimes, it feels like I have leprosy. I dread going in public when I have red patches, scratches and sores all over me. I work with the public, so I have to be vigilant about wearing certain clothes to cover the areas of my skin.
I feel like eczema/psoriasis and various other skin issues aren’t taken seriously. I get it. Many people may think you just have dry skin. Just throw some lotion on it, for goodness sake! Lotion has never helped me. And it’s not just dry skin. It often looks like some sort of disease, some infection all over my body. I’ve wanted to quit jobs because it’s so embarrassing, stressful and all-consuming.
But this skin stuff isn’t all that’s been happening.
I don’t feel like explaining in detail all that’s going on, and you don’t want to sit through all that. So, for your enjoyment, here’s a bit of a listing….
Eczema, psoriasis, skin infections, major joint pain, torn ligament(s) that won’t heal (or not properly), newly abnormally pronated foot/ankle (maybe related to ligament tear?), hives, itchy eyes, itchy throat, swollen lymph nodes, horrible sleeping patterns, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, unable to lose weight (with some weight gain), intermittent asthma, higher occurrence of sore throat, poor digestion, carpal tunnel, mood swings, fatigue, indifference, lack of drive, poor memory, brain fog. Any cuts, wounds and bruises I get don’t seem to heal as quickly. I feel broken. I feel old. For years I was used to being able to do anything… sprint, jump, run, cartwheel, swing off ropes into river abysses. Today, I found myself having to sit on the side of the road because walking became too much of an effort.
My body seems to be doing a poor job repairing itself.
Something is happening with my joints, or my ligaments or something. It’s not my muscles, something else. I finally went to a physical therapist a two weeks prior to posting this, after over a year of a progression of worsening symptoms and pain. I’m still not sure exactly what’s going on or the cause, but one hip has something wrong, the other has another something wrong, both knees are weak and weird, one with some crunching, my left ankle leans in/pronates abnormally, possibly due to some ligaments I tore last October that never healed properly. My carpal tunnel has been revealing itself again. The PT asked if I had been diagnosed with scoliosis, which I probably should have inquired about a little more. Everything feels weaker.
In one of my favorite movies, One Week, an older fellow selling his motorcycle says to the a 30-year-old, “You never really think you’ll have old bones.” This older man says this not knowing that the younger fellow just found out he has stage four cancer.
My bones feel old. (No, this is not me suggesting I have cancer.)
I’ve prided myself on being able to perform certain athletic feats and physically being a daredevil in the outdoors, but I just haven’t been able to. It’s embarrassing, and I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself.
I don’t tell you all this to seek pity or as an excuse for not doing something. For not running a marathon, for not being as fit anymore, for gaining weight.
There are a multitude of illnesses and injuries that are incomprehensibly worse than anything going on with my body. I realize that, and everyday I am thankful to have the body I have. But that doesn’t mean I don’g get frustrated.
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Many issues I have seem to be autoimmune related. And I KNOW what you put in your body has a profound impact on whether or not these auto-immune disorders reveal themselves. You really are what you eat. Why wouldn’t you be? It’s your body’s fuel. Put crap in and eventually you’ll get crap out. I mean, not just that kind of crap, but your body will feel like crap. Or whatever choice word you would like to insert. What you eat affects your microbiome (your gut bacteria), which influences a grand assortment of things…or basically all things within the body, to some extent.
I think these issues can be healed at least in part, perhaps majorly, by the food I put into my body. There’s obviously an extensive amount of inflammation happening within my body, and the food you eat dictates much of your inflammatory responses (histamines, etc.)
Before I get to the food, let me explain why I believe my microbiome has been compromised.
For the last two years of high-school and intermittently through college, I took an insane amount of some form of antibiotics for acne: doxycylcline, tetracycline and some other words I can’t pronounce. I’ve been on steroids here and there for various infections that wouldn’t go away and for major eczema/psoriasis breakouts all over my body .
All these "medicines” can totally destroy large swaths of GOOD gut bacteria. And we NEED gut bacteria. Bacteria is not the enemy, rather just BAD bacteria.
I’m not hating on modern medicine. Antibiotics have saved massive amounts of lives. Sometimes we must resort to steroids. But I think many of the modern medicines so easily and readily prescribed can also wreak havoc on our bodies’ natural ways of healing and protecting themselves. And I’m not only referring to your basic antibiotics and steroids, but also medicines for hyper and hypothyroidism, rheumatoid arthritis (any kind of arthritis), diabetes, depression, ADHD, blood pressure, multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, Crohn’s, fibromyalgia, endometriosis and the list goes on forever.
It COMPLETELY makes sense if you think about it. If many of these medicines are compromising your immune system, then why wouldn’t you continue to get worse? There are INSANE amounts of side effects listed for many drugs out there. It’s incomprehensible to me that this issue is not being addressed more. I think it is becoming a little more main stream though, which is encouraging.
I likely have what is broadly referred to as dysbiosis, which basically means I have an imbalance in gut bacteria. This can lead to a whole host of autoimmune responses. Often times they go undiagnosed. I think many people are dealing with many of these symptoms/autoimmune responses, but we’re so used to feeling like crap all the time that we just ignore it and sweep it under the rug as “normal.” So we medicate ourselves with various meds, caffeine and other remedies/drugs to help us feel more comfortable. It’s not okay. We’re not supposed to feel like crap all the time, to be tired, anxious, in pain, depressed.
As for food for me, right now it’s not an issue of choosing between healthy and unhealthy foods. There are large groups of “healthy" food that my body CANNOT handle right now. Like tomatoes, goji berries, beans, any kind of rice, whole grains, cashews, peanuts, so many fruits (It’s the sugar content, and I’ll eventually write about this.) Obviously I can’t have the usual unhealthy things like processed breads, meat and dairy, packaged foods. Gluten is my enemy. Kombucha makes me itchy; so does beer and wine.
I may need to avoid lectins, salicylates, histamines, gluten, and the list goes on. The hope is that this won’t be forever. This can be healed if I choose the right foods, and allow my gut, my microbiome to repair itself.
For many years, I’ve been an overall quite healthy person. I’ve sometimes been known as the annoying healthy eater. I sure do like to eat a lot, but it’s been generally healthful foods. I think that’s what’s been the most upsetting. I haven’t been able to easily figure out what I’m doing wrong.
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Even if you haven’t used various drugs like antibiotics, steroids, etc, you could still have a grand assortment of issues that could be healed by choosing the right foods. “Let food be thy medicine and thy medicine be food,” said Hippocrates. This dang quote has been repeated WAY too many times in the circles of people I associate with, but it is unbelievably true. Let your food choices dictate how you feel. We are far more in control than we think. (I know there are many diseases/issues that cannot be healed via food alone, of course.)
It really sucks to have to change your diet. It really does. It can feel isolating, limiting, frustrating, extraordinarily difficult and just plain sad. But I think it’s much more sad to take meds for the rest of your life that are actually likely making you far worse, that are breaking down your body’s ability to repair itself. These medicines, these drugs are often effectively destroying our immune system.
I have an incredible amount to say on this subject. My life has been deeply impacted by the “medicines” I’ve chosen to take over the years and the food I’ve put in my body. My mental and emotional state has been compromised because of all these issues, and I actually believe anxiety, stress and depression are side effects to an imbalance of the microbiome (crazy, right?). You know how they say “Go with your gut!,” well that’s because your gut has a heck of a lot of say on how you think and feel.
I’ll eventually be discussing more specifics on all of this. There’s so much to unfold. This is all haphazardly written, but I wanted to get something out there. There are a great many people who are speaking about these issues now. Start doing some research! Feel free to ask me anything.
Cheers.
Mary-Margaret Weatherford
mmweatherford5952@gmail.com